a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
