I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
