I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
