I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
