I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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