My nipple is on Facebook.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
