When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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