Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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