Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
