i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
