The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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