Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
