Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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