now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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