i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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