I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
