i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
