you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Yo dont text me then not text me
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
