Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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