I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
