Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
