I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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