Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
