So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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