Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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