You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
