my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You made out with two different species that night
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
