I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
