I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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