we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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