I wish I could punch you in the face.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
