OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
