dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
