wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
