Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
