Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
