Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
