i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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