I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
