can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
