So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
