your thong is hanging out like whoa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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