Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
well I can't set my house on fire every night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
