I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
