Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
