there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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