I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
