you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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