I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
