He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
