last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
