While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
