How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
