Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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