She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
