I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
