Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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