if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
