Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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