It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
