the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize