i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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