ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
