i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
