hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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