we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
